Recently, a post on X titled “How to Be a Great Parent by Ignoring Your Kids” by the investor Andrew Wilkinson caught my attention—not because of its controversial title, but because of its content and reactions elicited. While many seem to see this as an eye-opening revelation, I can’t help but wonder why it’s being hailed as such. Perhaps the idea resonates more in cultures where the burden of parenting is uniquely heavy, but from my perspective, there’s more to be discussed.
First off, let me say that every family is different, and there’s no one-size-fits-all solution to parenting. Some points made in the article are, frankly, common sense—reduce over-scheduling, allow children some autonomy, and don’t strive for perfection in every moment of the day. Great, we’re on board with that. But the underlying tone that reducing parenting to something akin to negligence leads to happy families feels misplaced.
The reality is that many parents today are, in fact, very happy with their families—so long as they have a stable income and reasonable free time. We know that parenting is tough. We live in times of increased social and economic pressures, and we’re more aware than ever of how our actions impact our children. This isn’t a bad thing. It’s not a crisis of parenting; it’s a realization of how much our presence means to our children.
Some points in the article paint today’s engaged parents as overly obsessive, “hovering” at playgrounds, or indulging in endless activities that don’t add value. While there may be truth in recognizing the harm of extreme overprotectiveness, dismissing involved parenting as simply “misery-inducing” doesn’t resonate with the experience of many families. Modern parents are not just taxi drivers or babysitters—they are role models, guides, and companions in a child’s journey to becoming an adult. And that isn’t something you can achieve by ignoring them.
The nostalgic description of letting kids “roam free” through neighborhoods in the 90s, unsupervised and wild, may sound ideal, but it ignores the social context that allowed that freedom. Back then, we lived in closer-knit communities, less dominated by fear. Families knew their neighbors; communities were more tightly interwoven. There was a trust that children could explore safely, largely because the entire community contributed to that safety. We no longer live in that world, and blaming parents for wanting their children to be safe isn’t addressing the root of the problem—it’s avoiding it.
This brings me to Gabor Maté’s insights in Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers. Maté speaks to the essential role of attachment in a child’s development. The idea of parents stepping back to let children figure things out entirely on their own—while it sounds like a nostalgic homage to the “good old days”—risks missing a fundamental point: children need their parents to be their secure attachment. In Maté’s words, children are meant to orient themselves emotionally through their attachment with their parents, and when this connection weakens, they will naturally seek attachment elsewhere—usually with their peers. This is where many modern parenting models go awry.
Maté’s argument emphasizes that a child’s emotional development is deeply tied to the attachment hierarchy in their lives. When parents are less involved, children increasingly turn to their peers for guidance. While this peer attachment may seem like a natural part of growing up, it often replaces the parent-child bond that is necessary for developing a secure sense of self. The author of the article encourages us to step back and give our children more independence, but if that means replacing parental engagement with a void filled only by peers, it can lead to deeper issues like anxiety, depression, or a general lack of direction as children grow into adolescents.
Instead, we should aim for a relationship that allows children to flourish both independently and securely—one where they feel comfortable exploring the world but also know they have a firm and loving foundation to return to. This doesn’t mean stifling a child’s natural autonomy, but it also doesn’t mean leaving them without the anchor that only parents can provide. As Maté notes, children need to understand that they belong to their parents and family first before they seek belonging from others.
The article also largely ignores a crucial factor: quality time. Being present isn’t about clocking hours supervising kids; it’s about true engagement. Whether it’s a bedtime story, a shared project, or just having an honest conversation, these moments matter. Parents today may spend less time letting their kids “fend for themselves,” but in the time they do spend together, they have the opportunity to truly connect—something that was not necessarily a given in past generations. I think we should be encouraging parents to be educated, to spend meaningful, quality time with their kids, and to try and see the world from their perspective. It’s not about helicoptering; it’s about being there when it counts.
Moreover, this idea of “parenting lazily” as the ultimate solution feels short-sighted. It’s not a matter of neglect versus smothering. It’s about balance, an ongoing negotiation between letting your children explore, face challenges, and learn independence while being their foundation, their safety net when things go wrong. There’s a lot of room between letting kids “roam in packs” and building trust and autonomy in a guided, intentional way.
Maté reminds us that true independence comes from a place of security. When children feel they can depend on their parents, they gain the internal stability that allows them to explore confidently. It’s not independence for the sake of it, but an independence rooted in a strong relationship. When we, as parents, truly “hold on to our kids”—emotionally, not physically—we allow them to feel safe enough to venture out.
The reality is that our world has changed, and parenting has changed along with it. It’s not an overprotective shift or an irrational reaction to fear alone. The increased involvement of parents today reflects an understanding of the importance of formative experiences in early life, and a recognition that as parents, we shape the people our children become. Yes, there can be too much of a good thing, but the solution isn’t to swing to the other extreme.
Rather than choosing between being an “overprotective parent” or a “negligent” one, let’s strive for a healthy balance—one that recognizes the changing needs of both our children and the society we live in. Let’s challenge the notion that our parental involvement should be minimized, and instead work towards a way of parenting that allows both us and our children to flourish.
